should be excused, not by any means. what it does mean though is that i am aware of one of my many weaknesses. This one, unfourtunately is inevitable. well its late now and my mind is wandering so i'll either come back to this thought or who knows...it could be the end of it. if i were really lucky it would be one of those thoughts that could have changed the world if it had ever gotten finnished. wouldnt that be inspiring to find out after you were taken away into eternity that an idea (not of my own, for it is often forgotten that there is NOTHING new under the sun and that every idea is inspired by another idea and usually mimicks it quite a lot) that you took the time to type out could have changed the world if i'd ever been completed either on paper or in your mind, which would consequently run over into your heart and perhaps cause a life to be changed....my life, your life. are you following me? i'm not sure if i'm even following myself tonight.
I've heard that we only use a small part of our brain. Maybe our soul is the same way. And maybe we're half asleep most of our lives, simply reacting to the stimulus our brain receives. Action, true action is rare indeed. actually, i read somewhere that mistakes are the privilege of souls this side of the grave. That is to say, a choice is an amazing gift, so choose to live life to the fullest...in action (not living it up with fun). i am more aware than ever of my own weaknesses, and the mistakes that I make often. I'm also very aware of my inability to satisfy everybody all the time. Sometimes these failures can be very discouraging. so, take action, and also.....here's to revolution!
yes, apathitc is a pathetic way to be, but i am at this moment...i dont really know why. but, i do know this: it has to stop. have any of you actually experienced apathy? true apathy? where you dont actually care about anything but breathing to keep your body alive, and even then you aren't really caring, you're just doing. I have been mechanically living my life for the past 8 hours or so. you'd think it would be freeing, but its not...it takes a toll on your heart. your dreams, your vision, and your purpose basically dissapear. not by any means forever, but just the same, losing your zeal for life for a few hours isn't pleasant (no, i am not suicidal!!!). okay, this is just a note....seek the lord and you will find him, call his name and he will answer...you've got nothing to fear, and neither do i. I have ALL the hope in the world, seriously. I just need to look at the big picture and embrace it. so, here i am, trying to maintain conciousness...beceause that is my job.
Band-aids are good for a scratch, but a life requires more; we take for granted that our faith is what gives us that "more" in life. People/society use religion as a band-aid. A cover up. It numbs their need to resolve things because they become semi-content in their complacency. The bottom line is that most people aren't saved, and their religion is why. Their religion gives them an excuse to keep on living their lives for themselves, unwilling to sacrifice or surrender.
"Physics tells us that everything on this planet will fail us eventually. Trust someone, fall in love: your scars will tell the same story. Entropy, pain, beauty, love, hope... mix them together and call it living. The choice that remains is where we go to find meaning and truth. The biggest failures and disappointments in my life have led me to look beyond what money or power or friends can buy. When you're face down at the very bottom of who you are, and there is no formality or pretence to cling to, all your masks fall off. In this broken place, our lives can be seen for what they are, no more no less; we are ourselves. The question is this: What happens after the twin towers in our lives fall? Do we become bitter and hateful or does redemption come into focus? I've been on both sides...only one is beautiful."
4 AM is a great time of night. The day before is long dead but the morning is still to come. All the commotion from the night before has died down and every sane and upstanding citizen is asleep, or at least tucked in. It's a great time to sit outside, i should do it more often. You've got the world to yourself for an hour or so, its so peaceful...even the stars look different: awaiting dawn. I feel the same way that the stars do sometimes. Anticipating...the night is nearly over, the day is almost here. ahhh....sounds good doesnt it??
i have come to a realization that the letdowns in life we experience are beautiful when we view them as letdowns, realizing that our hope is deeper than the two-dimensional computer screen in front of us. but i think the problem with hope is that oftentimes, we get sold a hope that is only skin-deep; it's kind of like a band-aid. Things'll get better and you kiss it and hope it feels better--but the problems still remain and the wars are still going on...the wars in our hearts.
It seems as though my soul is always digging deeper, deeper than i would like. it is always hungry for answers to the hard questions of life. Most times, my heart is longing for far more than what i have at present. my heart even goes so far as to tell me that everything is meaningless. you know what? all of these things seem to strike me at the most unexpected times, often in the midst of vagrant daydreams, restlessly lying awake at night, and even in the face of a beautiful sunrise. So, i have began to wonder, "does God, well maybe....perhaps he uses the quiet moments in our lives to remind us that we should raise our voices, and the loud, chaotic moments to tell us that sometimes we need to take a break in the midst of life and just "be still and know that he is God". He so badly wants to get to know us....he wants to know each and every one of us, but he cant if we dont allow him too. So, take chance on love, and love him with your whole heart. your life depends on it.
Psalms 8:3 
Do you ever get an overwhelming feeling of being stuck with yourself? Where ever we run, wherever the sun finds us when it rises, we remain bound to oursleves. this happens day after day after day. i have so many voices dividing my soul, each one fighting for a place. Yelling to be heard. Why am i so divided against myself? i am polluted. i feel like a failure until i become one, then all the entropy finally dies down. but as i've heard, the truth will set you free. This is what i am living for, the freedom of my soul. none of the diversions of the world offer me any peace or unity. praise God that i have caught glimpses of the truth, and thats where i am running. I know of only one who can lead me on.
I actually dont think that words can express how absolutly fantastic and amazingly wonderful the show i saw last sunday was. it was played by the greatest band that i know of. you probably know who it is but just in case i'll just say it... SWITCHFOOT. but seriously, words cannot even express how great it was. it was unbelievable. okay, i know that it is really cheesy to be such a "Fan" (i hate that term by the way), so i prefer not to think of myself that way. yes it is true, i am in love with their music, their passion, their deep thoughts, and their purpose, and i suppose i also must admit they are very handsom. this technically describes a fan "fan" is but still...i am just an.....admirer.
okay, this comes from a broken heart: Make the most of your regrets. . . . To regret deeply is to live afresh. Everybody has had regrets, so it would be stupid of me to ask you if you had. my mind is drawing up blank right now, so basically what i am trying to say is:
Its raining outside, the strains of switchfoot are slipping out the crack in my bedroom door, my journal is lying open waiting to absorb whatever thoughts i feel like pouring out, and reflection on the irony of life leads me to ask..."why havent i commited suicide yet?" It must be by the grace of God. There is so much life in the world, so much insight that people have to share, so much to do, so much to give. And thats all fine and dandy, but what about all of the hopelessness and despair...it seems to steal away any peace that the world has to offer. And suddenly all of my thoughts slip away as I realize that if my hope was in what the world has to offer, i would be long dead by now. AHHH...HELLO SUNSHINE! i absolutely love it when the lord gives me a revelation. How greatful i am that the lord has given me something to hope for, i cannot express in words. Anyways, just an update from my life.
This is an excerpt from one of C.S. Lewis's addresses called "the weight of glory", It is fantastic, talking about so many of the things that we all face in our day to day lives, so as you can imagine, this is just a sliver of the brilliance of this address. If you ever get the chance to read the whole thing, please do.
to be thankful and patient... Today is all that we will ever have in this life. If we spend our time obsessing with the future or regretting the past then we will never live. Tomorrow will always be tomorrow and yesterday cannot be changed. The wise man seeks God in the now and brings both his regrets and fears before Him. The freedom that we are offered is truly amazing: to live, today, free from even our own fallen desires. This is where I want to be. -jon foreman
I just had a thought: punctuation marks exist in the written word and in life. commas, periods... exclamation points! They divide our existence into discrete moments, allowing us to catch our breath before we begin the next sentence, helping us better understand our time here on earth. In life, the question marks are sometimes the hardest to understand, the most frightening. They leave so much to the imagination, what happens next? Yet, question marks are good for the soul. They reveal where our hopes are, what we fear, who or what we trust. So much of what we hold on to in this life is a mirage. Job security, financial stability, prestige, power, relationships: these are as unsure as our lives themselves. Sometimes the best thing to do during a time of questioning is to let the questions dig deep into our soul. Who are we? What are we living for? I’m a hopeful questioner myself… -Jon Foreman
the following are some lyirics to a song that got me thinking...
Life. It is a place where those who dare to look upon it in perspective are transfixed by its reality, gripped by its faintness, torn by its bleakness, shaken by its boldness, and yet still enraptured by its glory. While life is neither sound nor unsound we are dizzied by its steady beat to an unsteady drum, even so we must remain steadfast in this race that we have begun. Not letting the person behind us cause us to stumble. We must struggle to remain fixed on a common goal. The goal that will give us victory beyond all others. The goal that is the highest, and hardest to reach. The goal that will keep our hearts in alignment with the purpose that Jesus Christ gave, and while I, as well as many others struggle to remain fixed on the will of God, I take comfort in the fact that I am not the only one who wins and loses in this race for eternity...
