the rat race

your physical body is in a specific place and time but your treasure is somewhere else. but sometime the "nowness" of here starts pulling at your heart, away from eternal rewards. for a moment, the flashlight in your eyes looks brighter than the sun. for the moment... i don't think these grand strokes of bad decision making are ever that simple or noticeable in the moment. no, it's always by degrees. 

i know all about the momentary little sacrifices of self that are offered up to the momentary little gods. and little by little, you're like the ancient face of a cliff, eaten away by the sea. it never happens all at once. but one day you wake up and you come to the startling conclusion that a huge chunk of you has disappeared. given away- to time, chance, a momentary thrill, a small concession in the daily flight from pain... and yet pain finds you still. yes. this is true: the shoreline of you looks different now... wave after wave... wave after wave... 

and then I almost feel like giving up- maybe sometimes we're supposed to back away from the shore. but I don't think that's a sure fix either. the rain, the sun, the wind. we're falling apart. we're giving ourselves away. we're being eaten alive... pieces of us, significant ideals and dreams, now reduced to dust and ash drifting away. washing away. In every moment there's always the option to run from the momentary pain. momentary little alters to momentary little gods. 

but maybe that's just what we've been given: a life to give away. time. meaning. love. we lay these, our gifts on the alters of our choosing. memories, knowledge, wealth, friends, scars- these are what we accumulate. but these do not come cheap: these possessions will cost us our very lives. we lose ourselves whether we like it or not. this is not a choice.

yeah, I suppose even divine love is like that, erosion. washing over us like the rain or the sun or the shore. but to compare the two is absurd. one is life the other is death. but it takes time to tell them apart- i can usually tell which is which a few weeks down the line. the creator's love is creating, additive, purposeful. i feel more complete, more whole, more at home in him. make no mistake, he takes things away, and it hurts like heck. it sometimes hurts worse than the other sort of pain, the numb deadening sort. maybe partly because your more alive, more aware. or maybe because you're in the hands of a friend. 

but I suppose thats the difference between the doctor and the dealer: one is the touch of a sculptor one is the glove of a thief. i'm sure we've all felt pain come from both ways. but I guess what I'm saying, is that when I think about all of this from the freeway, when i think about the transcendent story that I'm a part of, i can rise above it. i can see my place. the pain has meaning. and no one can take that from me. i guess, these are the moments when time slows down to pause... when I can offer a little sacrifice to the God who transcends the pain. a peace of myself, to the infinite giver of everything. and then, after this momentary breath i find i'm still stuck in my situation. no fireworks. no burning bush. nothing that unusual just a brief moment of peace and truth shot. it becomes a gift to me. a dagger stuck into the very heart of the lie that i become all too often.

it's those moments of rest that separate us from the rat race. in other words it's not what I frantically do but rather what i don't frantically do that distinguishes me from a rodent. sometimes, (when I have my head on straight) I feel sorry for the rats. and then other times, (when I'm upside down) I'm just trying to win. but running away from the race itself feels like a cop-out, like the same thing as running with the rats. still running. still running. I guess it depends on what's driving you. fear and pain. or love and truth.

P.S. this was inspired by a man. these aren't my ideas. there is nothing new under the sun...its just me applying his wisdom to my life....